I’m on a plane headed back to Austin from Syracuse, NY. Back to Austin, where I have a found a home away from my quintessential home in Northern, CA. Actually not really ‘found,’ so much as made, a home for myself. Although Austin is as welcoming and friendly a city as one can hope for, coming to call a place home is a personal process that is gone through individually. The strength and appreciation of self has been nurtured by this artistic and open community, as well as by the friends that have become extensions of my own heart. Wherever I may travel from here, they will be there too, just as the city of Austin will always have a claim on the woman that I am right now, and I will later look back on the joy I felt in being that woman in that place.
“I listen to the wind, to the wind of my soul. Where I’ll end up, well I think only God really knows.” –Cat Stevens
Leaving is a sacrifice we make to pursue life’s adventures, and they are endless. They are also unknown, and for this reason a bit frightening, as the unknown always is. But again, this is a sacrifice we must make if we want to seek life’s many realities. The anxiety of being uncomfortable is not and cannot, be a reason to remain immobile; it is also impossible due to the general tumultuous nature of life. So you may as well jump on and enjoy the ride. Just try to remember to keep all appendages inside the cart and be aware that your heart may feel like it’s dropping into your stomach, kind of like when you hit a big air pocket while flying on a plane.
Syracuse, New York is not Austin, TX just as Austin is not Northern, CA and I had to adjust to that as well. I tried to remind my self of this while I was visiting, and I am trying to remind myself of that right now as I prepare to leave. But this is tough. I am going to miss everything about this place and these people. The rain storms, the simple peace of sitting on my tiny deck, the chaotic craziness that sometimes occurs when me and the girls are out on that deck, laying on my comfy couch, getting up in the morning to watch t.v. with Tenley, cooking for people in my tiny kitchen, walking down to the Bart Mart, walking the greenbelt to Zilker Park, the music, ah the music, chips and queso, Taco Deli tacos (all tacos), BBQ in Texas, S. Lamar, strollin’ S. Congress, exploring with Lindsey, all the local shops and restaurants(P.Terry’s chicken burgers), laughing and hugging so hard with Ashley, Alamo Drafthouse, dive bars with character, being a lady with Miss Michael, driving out into the hill country chasing the big Texas sunset; the list could go on and on. Primarily of course, I will miss the people, my friends, and the soul mates I found while searching my own soul. Without them, all the colors would look different. Perhaps not necessarily a bad different, but not the colors I have come to love. You, you all know who you are, have shown me magnificent shades of color that I have never seen, you have made everything brighter and more vibrant. You painted the Texas skyline with me, and in that way my relationships with all of you are my own small masterpiece. I feel accomplished because you are part of my life. I love you more than I can really, truly express. But I can say I feel safe leaving, knowing that you are all behind me.
The idea of home has changed for me while I have been living in Austin. My family and the smell of the home I grew up in will always be a home for me, but I have found a home within myself. Talking to my dad on the phone one day I told him that I had the empowering and comforting feeling that I AM my home. It was a surprising realization, one that comes to you when you are not really trying to figure anything out-this is the best kind. In the simplest terms I can describe it as just feeling strong, feeling that I have the capability to take care of myself in midst of life’s shifting landscape. Yes, I still need help from those I love and I am still scared-I don’t think that goes away, and I don’t really want it to truthfully. Connections are made in times of confusion and distress. Trials set the stage for the next obstacle to overcome, for the next time you must push your boundaries and know that you will be ok. At this point I have developed a sort of acceptance that change is inevitable and life is hard. In that same breath, life is magnificently shocking and inspirational, every nook and cranny harbors some jewel. It is almost always unexpected, and as I said before, I have come to realize that the unpredictable character of life often delivers the best discoveries. Instead of fighting so hard to control, it is nice to let go and let events happen to you-the universe seems to know what it’s doing in a chaotic and sometimes tough love way.
So I leave Austin with a full heart that creates a tightening in my chest and watering in my eyes, but I am excited and curious for the next turn in the road. Also, if I have carried any lesson with me from transition to transition thus far, it is that you do not lose what you leave behind, especially if you want to keep it. I want to come back to live in Austin someday, but honestly, I have no idea where my choices will take me next. That is the trick with life; you can’t say this or that for sure because that is usually when you find yourself contradicted. But I know that Austin is definitely a place I will find myself traveling back to. The city has a magnetic pull, and honestly, a spell over me. I am drawn to its power to bring all kinds of crazy beautiful people together and the energy that is emitted because of this. It is a city of misfits and musicians, cowboys and hippies, left and right, punks and gangstas, families and drifters, those mid search and those who have found where they will hang their hat for the remainder. For me, Austin is a place that provided a uniquely comforting and empowering setting that inspired me to learn more about others and myself. I could not have predicted I’d find a home in the middle of Texas, but I did.
